Episode 92

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Published on:

16th Dec 2025

Passing Away

My "Heart Rendering" farewell to South Africa, and a choice to return home rejoicing!

Transcript
Speaker:

Sani Bonani.

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Wow.

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That might be the last time I begin.

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with Hello in Isa Zulu.

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thank you for joining me on the

Creative Spiritual Journey podcast.

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Last episode.

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Of our second season, I wanted to record

this farewell to South Africa be before,

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before we returning home, but things

got too crazy and busy to find the time,

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too many sweet souls to say goodbye to,

and oh, that was so heart rendering.

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Heart rendering.

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What does that even mean?

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It is defined as a tearing apart.

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Once again, just as of when we

left home, it took a while for my

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heart to arrive in South Africa.

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Hence, the heart rendering, a

tearing apart again on the return

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home, leaving pieces there forever.

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I wanna share with you an experience

of swimming in the Indian Ocean

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our last weekend in Durban.

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Eric went out and the waves

were big and the sea was rough.

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The tide was high, and, and I thought I

would swim out and join him and, and I

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kept trying to get out and another big

wave would come and tumble me and I would.

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Dive under a few, but I was having a

hard time getting out to where Eric was.

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I was fighting against the waves,

one big wave after another.

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Finally, I yelled out.

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To the ocean.

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Can you just stop for a moment?

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I was being a little dramatic,

but I was emotionally spent from

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saying our goodbyes to friends.

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I can only hope that we'll see you

again and also I was overwhelmed

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with the anticipation of going home.

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What's it gonna be like?

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What's next?

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I'm gonna pause here.

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and to share with you lyrics of a song

titled Cleanse You by Callie Reed.

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This is a song we asked our daughter

Megan to sing at her homecoming because

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it had become very precious to us.

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Many times as we were driving out

to one of the townships and passed

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the fields out to Osso Sweeney, our

hearts were heavy and we were fighting

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against some big waves, and this

song would come up on my playlist.

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It's interesting how that would happen.

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Let me share with you

the lyrics of this song.

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The waves come high.

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My ship is sinking.

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And I'm thinking of letting

go the water's deep.

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And I am grasping, struggling to

hear you, Lord, captain of my soul.

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Why did you lead me here

to this uncharted sea?

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Did you bring me here just to drown me?

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What if I didn't bring you here

to drown you, but to cleanse you?

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He whispers.

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And what if you chose?

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To breathe me and let

this wash you clean again.

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He whispers.

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He whispers, I know the water's deep, but

if you only knew it isn't meant to drown

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you, he whispers, but to cleanse you.

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So there I am out struggling in the

Indian Ocean, an emotional wreck, and

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this song comes to my mind and I just

surrender and a calm comes into my heart.

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And I'm washed into shore

climbing up onto the beach.

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I sat down to watch Eric continue

to frolic in the waves and the

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spirit whispered this to my soul.

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Time is like the waves always rolling

Onward time, our time there was over.

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And a new season, a new wave of our lives.

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Light ahead of us.

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I actually created this

episode While flying home.

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I wanted to share with you the

feelings of my heart and soul as

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we close this chapter of our life.

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Our hearts will forever be tethered

to New Castle District in South Africa

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and the Durban South Africa mission.

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Her people, the land, the

experiences that forever changed us.

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But it's now December, what is it?

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December 16th.

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And we've been home for what, 23 days.

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Most of our home is still in boxes

in the storage unit, things that

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we have lived two years without.

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I don't even know what's in 'em anymore.

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But our mission had a profound way of

teaching us what's really important,

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and you don't storm in boxes and once

again, waiting for my heart to catch up.

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And I hope to get some Christmas cheer and

a Christmas tree up before it's too late.

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I love the podcast, one Heart,

one Soul by Thomas McConkey.

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And ironically, I listened to an

episode the last week on mission titled,

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passing Away In this, uh, script, he

took the title Passing Away from an

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Ancient Scriptures that were found

in Egypt, I believe in the:

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a book titled The Gospel of Thomas.

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Yep.

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Thomas, the same one that was one

of the 12 apostles of the Lord.

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And it reads in, uh, Ian 42, which I

believe is just another name for verse

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in Ian 42 of the Gospel of Thomas,

quote, UA Ywa, which is Jesus Ywa

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says, come into being as you pass away.

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Jesus says.

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Come into being as you pass away.

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Okay, again, let me pause here.

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Did you know that when it comes time

for a elder, I don't know if the sisters

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do this or not, 'cause we didn't have

sisters on our mission, but when the

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elder comes time for him to return home,

they call it ke the elder, or he dies.

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Yeah, pretty morbid.

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Much like when the elder comes

into mission, it's like their

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birth and his trainer is considered

his father and the trainers.

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Trainers considered his grandpa.

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You know, there's just this whole

mission language, but anyway,

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they call it passing away.

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So this meditation caught my attention

because we were in the middle of quote,

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being killed on mission and passing away.

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Funny thing, our new mission

president said he wanted to change

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the term to being translated.

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So if that's the case, I'm

now a translated being.

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Let's get back to the gospel

of Thomas Yeshua says, come

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into being as you pass away.

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How do you relate this to yourself?

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Let's just think about it for a moment.

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How do you come into

being as you pass away?

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Or in other words, what transformations

have you undergone in your lifetime?

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What things have you had to

let go of, prune away, let die?

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And what things have you had to bring

a new Sit with that for a moment.

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How have you become new?

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Can you think of a time where

you went through some ordeal?

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Much like our mission, and you weren't

the same person on the other side of it.

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The old you had to die.

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So the new you could come into being.

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You had to let go of something, some part

of you that was probably very painful

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to let go of in order to make the new

passage, much like struggling against the

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waves of time and just allowing it to be,

and yet it wasn't the end of your journey.

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It was a new wave, a new beginning.

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As you come into being In a sense,

what died was something you actually

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weren't in the end, something

that had to die in order for you

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to come more fully into being to

become more fully your divine self.

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As Eric and I drove away from

our new castle home to the

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airport, our mission was finished.

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We talked about how poof, just like

that the wave was over that season

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of our life was passing away, and

how this is true of all our journeys.

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That is how it felt when our

children had grown up and left home.

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It was a type of passing away.

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Maybe you're experiencing a passing away.

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A health or faith or financial crisis,

that too is a type of passing away in our

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life where the life that we knew or we

hoped for changes passes away day by day.

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Moment to moment at all passes

away, but it's never really the end.

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It really never is.

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It's the end.

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We fear it's coming into

being that is happening.

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It's a beautiful plan.

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The wave passes only for

a new one to rise up.

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This is the eternal journey of becoming.

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My first episode I recorded on

mission was titled Embark, which

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comes from Doctrine Covenants four.

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Therefore ye did embark

in the service of God.

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See that you serve him with all

your heart might mind and strength,

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that you may stand blameless

before God at the last day.

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Well, when there is embarking,

there is always a returning

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and the ship must return home.

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. So this is my farewell to that

season of our lives, that beautiful

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experience in South Africa.

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If this was my eulogy of my passing

away on mission, I hope that it would

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be that I loved greatly the people.

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Oh, I loved greatly the people.

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I gave my whole heart, and

I found, and I really did.

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I discovered the beauty and

the joy and the journey.

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It wasn't perfect by any means, and there

were some waves that really tumbled us,

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But that is what I came to discover.

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What it takes to come into

being as we pass away.

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We will now try to serve here with all our

heart, my mind, and strength here where

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we are, and it just will look different.

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It is easy to serve the poor and

the needy and visit the sick and

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afflicted when they're all about you.

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Now it will take some creativity

because the Lord said the poor

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are always among you here.

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They're just disguised behind masks.

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The prophet.

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Russell M.

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Nelson once said, I am

optimistic about the future.

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And you know what?

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I too, I am optimistic about your future,

you listening, my friends and family here,

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and my friends and family in South Africa.

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And our future will be filled with

opportunities for each of us to

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progress, contribute, and take the

gospel to every corner of the earth.

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The prophet continued our savior

and redeemer, Jesus Christ will

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perform some of his mightiest works

between now and when he comes again.

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Ah, don't you wanna be a part of that?

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So my departing prayer for South Africa.

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Keep forward facing.

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Look to Christ with faith.

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Not fearing the waves,

but enjoying the waves.

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The waves of time, and this journey

of becoming of growing and learning.

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Look for the miracles 'cause

they are all around us.

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We experience miracles.

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I love you and I'm forever

grateful for God for bringing us

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together for just a brief moment.

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I never thought I'd consider 23

months in South Africa a brief moment.

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But now the wave has passed and when I

left it felt like such a big sacrifice

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to leave family, friends, or home

and the life that I love so much.

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But what I viewed then as a sacrifice,

I now see as the greatest blessing.

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My heart.

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Our hearts are forever changed.

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We lived with and served with

all our might might mind and

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strength and loved greatly.

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The saints, the missionaries, and

the leaders of the Durban South

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Africa mission, they changed us.

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We can never be the same person

who left home to go and serve

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in far corners of the world.

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I have learned that Yeshua,

our savior, Jesus Christ, is

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aware of every single soul.

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He is in the waves with us.

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This morning as I laid in bed with the

rising of the sun, I was pondering.

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About exactly what emotion

is it that I am feeling.

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I was trying to process

and listening to my heart.

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The word grief came to me.

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I turned to Eric and I asked him, what

did the scriptures say about what the

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missionaries that were returning home

in the scriptures, how did they feel?

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And he said they returned rejoicing.

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Ah, I like that.

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That's what I want.

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I want to return rejoicing.

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Our children, they have told us that we

need to take time to unemotionally, unpack

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and it's true, and give myself some grace.

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'cause I really have felt lost.

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A man without a country.

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And so here I am sharing

this on the podcast.

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I guess there's no better place than

to share your feelings where I have

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friends like you as my sounding boards.

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So today I searched for that

phrase and the scriptures returned

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rejoicing, and I couldn't find it.

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But I'm gonna choose it anyway.

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I want it to be my choice.

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From here forward, as the next wave

of time, hit us again and again.

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I will choose rejoicing.

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I will choose to continue

to love and serve just as we

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did for the past two years.

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God is so good, our loving,

heavenly appearance.

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Have a marvelous plan for each and every

one of us, and it is our here and our now.

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Our savior is not the God of someday.

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He is the God of this day and this wave

and that wave, and he is our savior

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of our grieving and our feelings of

being lost and our heart rendering.

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He was the ultimate example of coming

into being as you pass away with

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his atonement and his resurrection.

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What a beautiful gift of love.

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I choose to breathe him in and return

rejoicing In the experience of seeing

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the beautiful land and the wildlife

of South Africa, she is glorious.

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They're forever imprinted on my heart.

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I return and rejoice in the music I

heard in the hymn sung by the Saints.

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Their testimonies.

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I return rejoicing and having had

the Holy Spirit guide us through

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hard times to teach and to testify.

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I return rejoicing and getting to

know the young elders that we have the

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privilege of serving arm in arm with.

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Oh, what a grand adventure.

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I returned home, rejoicing in the

trials and tribulations we wade

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through because it strengthened my

faith in the savior Jesus Christ.

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I returned and rejoice in the

blessings of serving with Eric.

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My eternal companion mission

tested our medal and it ended

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up refining our marriage.

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We learned to be one.

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Thank you dear friends for joining

Gia and I for another season of the

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Creative Spiritual Journey podcast.

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We are excited to see what the

new waves bring, aren't you?

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I hope to see you on the

trail and of course, because

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it's the season to be jolly.

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I want to end this episode by wishing

you a Merry Christmas and sharing

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with you some of the lyrics from, oh

Holy Night, one of my favorite carols.

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Ah, how can you pick a favorite?

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They're all so wonderful.

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Oh Holy Night.

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The stars are brightly shining.

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This is the night of our Dear Savior's

Birth Long lay the world in sin and

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error pining till he appeared and the

soul felt its worth a thrill of hope.

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The weary world rejoices and yonder

breaks a new and glorious mourn.

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May your Christmas be glorious and

may the new journey of:

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ahead out before you be merry and

bright in Gia Kanda, you remember?

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in Isa Zulu.

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That's, I love you.

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About the Podcast

Creative Spiritual Journey
one small, deliberate step at a time
We are all on a journey—a journey home to our heavenly parents. Any experienced traveler knows there are days you laugh and days you cry.

We aren’t here to tell you how to live—we are here to share how we live—how we survive, thrive, and even find joy!

The journey gets messy with rainstorms and sleepless flights but the hard times—the miserable times—those make the best stories.

And the vistas, the sunsets, the little birds outside the window—those are the reminders that God is in the details, he is aware of us, he has trod the path before.

The Creative Spiritual Journey Podcast is hosted by Judy and Ghia Cooley—two sisters in their wisdom years—who love the savior and are dedicated to making this journey one small, deliberate step at a time.

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